Midnight Rose

MUSINGS Contrary to the rumors, I never killed dozens of people. Only two. And, in my defense, one was dying anyway. As for the other … Well, everyone likes to think they know the truth. But unless you were there, how can you really know? I was there. And I think about it often. Practically all the time. And believe me, I have had a lot of time to think about it. CHAPTER ONE "Well, if it isn't my favorite customer! Rose, my dear, how are you today?" I laughed as I looked around the merchant's stall. I pushed up my eyeglasses and gave the woman a mock stern look. "Ilana, right now I'm your only customer." "That doesn't mean you're not my favorite." The vegetable seller gave me a big wink. "So, what will you have today?" I made my selections, then counted out some coins and handed them to Ilana. She placed them in a pouch at her hip, not bothering to count them. She wasn't lying about me being a favorite patron of hers. If she didn't like me, didn't trust me, she would have made a show of counting out the coins before putting them away. All the merchants in this sleepy village of Sonden were like that. Not that I blamed them. Most of the people living in smaller towns and villages were distrustful of outsiders. It took a lot of time and effort to earn the longtime citizens' trust, but once you did, they were the most loyal of friends and neighbors. Living in a city might have been easier, but a higher concentration of people brought its own set of problems. Even after all this time, I still hadn't figured out the safest place for me to live. To hide. To be myself. Or to just … be. I said goodbye to Ilana and moved on, only giving the other stalls a cursory glance. I didn't really need anything else, and besides, I didn't like to stay in town long. "Hello, Rose!" "It's Rose! Hi, Rose!" Seven-year-old Karra and her five-year-old brother Arn waved at me, giggling, as they ran past. Their mother, Jeanna, struggled to keep up, but the baby on her hip and the overly full bag on her shoulder weighed her down. "Karra! Arn! Get back here!" Jeanna huffed. She gave me a tired smile. "Rose. It's good to see you." "Do you need help with that?" I indicated her market bag. "If you don't mind." Unceremoniously, she handed the baby to me. "Oh, I meant—" But Jeanna was already gone, having dumped her bag next to my feet to hurry after her other two children. In my arms, the baby cooed, staring deep into my eyes. I swallowed hard and willed my breath to stay steady. The infant reached out a chubby hand towards my face, grabbing for a strand of hair that had fallen over my cheek. After happily gumming on the strand's end for a moment, the baby decided to target my glasses, pulling them from my face. Hastily, I reached up and firmly resettled them on my nose. I swatted my hand, intending to create a barrier between my eyeglasses and the child's little fingers. The baby grabbed one of my fingers and held on to it, their grip surprisingly strong. I stilled, acutely aware of their weight, their vibrancy. Their innocence. Karra and Arn came up to me, running around me in circles while they tried to tag each other. Jeanna followed after, brushing back some dark hair matted with sweat. "Children," she said, but I wasn't sure if she was addressing hers or making a general statement. She lifted the baby from my arms and settled the infant back on her hip. "You're a natural with babies, Rose." "Oh, I—uh, thank you." "If you ever want some extra coin, I'd pay you well to mind my little ones," she said. "It's hard to find people you can trust with your family." "Th-that's a very generous offer," I stammered. "I'll … I'll think about it." "Please do. I'd be more than happy to pay, and pay you handsomely. I can't imagine you earn a lot, minding that old castle." I shrugged. "It's a free place to stay, at least." Jeanna raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure it's lonely, too, with no one but the plants to talk to. How is that any kind of life? Anytime you need some people, some talk, you stop by." "I will. Thank you, Jeanna." At that moment, Karra reached out and successfully tagged her brother. She jostled me in the process, knocking into my basket. But her touch was a bit too forceful, and Arn fell to the ground, skinning his knees. The little boy began to wail. Jeanna sighed. "I think it's time we all went home. Do think over what I said, Rose." I nodded and said goodbye, then turned and headed down the main road that would lead out of Sonden and into the countryside. I managed to escape the town with just a few more hellos and goodbyes, but thankfully no more extended conversations. Once Sonden was out of sight, I breathed easier. It was always like this for me when I went to market. Or just went into Sonden, in general. If there was only some way to conduct my business without having to talk to people, it would be much easier for me. It wasn't that the people were unfriendly. Far from it. Once they had accepted me, they had been quite generous and welcoming. I would rather they were shuttered and distrustful towards me. Then I could enter the town, do what I needed to do, and leave quickly and easily. Without feeling the excessive shame, fear, and self-loathing I always did when I was there. Rose, you've been doing so well. I tried to bolster my spirits as I walked home. You haven't had any incidents since … well, since. One day at a time. If only one day at a time hadn't stretched into several long decades. If only I could get rid of this never-ending hunger and be normal again. But ever since … since … nothing in my life was normal. And I despaired of it ever returning that way.